Big Bri Bri’s Blog

Not everything has been heavy. 

I’m in a long Covid treatment trial and I think I have the dose dialed in to the right amount. 

Today, I was able to spend some time outdoors doing work in the yard. 

My body felt like the pre-Covid me. I had energy. 

I actually had to stop and pace myself so I didn’t do too much. 

Normally, I’m so fatigued I can barely get out of bed. Trips to the bathroom and kitchen are about as much activity as I can handle. 

In the activity of today I found hope that maybe I’m finally coming out of it. 

And for now I’ll take what I can get. 

There’s a part of me that shuts everything down the moment things start to move.

When I try to move forward on something, I am a master at distracting myself. I’ll find anything to do to avoid doing the thing I intended to do. 

It’s like a curtain in my mind closes over the task so I can’t see it. Everything else feels more important. 

It’s usually triggered when it comes to writing or finances. 

I’ll be about to take action in some sort of way; whether it be to write or job hunt. 

The task at hand disappears from mind and then…ooh, shiny! 

It keeps me stuck in place, repeating the same patterns. Deepening the rut I’m in. 

I think it’s protecting me from doing the work and actually becoming the person I say I want to be. Because that part is convinced I’m not good enough. 

I’m running out of time financially and it’s lit a fire under my ass to keep moving forward. 

Money has been sitting in the background of everything lately. 

It’s really been stressful. Thankfully, Dad lent me money otherwise I don’t know where I’d be. 

The anxiety has been so bad at times that the black cloud took over my mind. 

I go numb. It consumes my thinking and feels like a lead noose strung my neck. 

It’s hard to feel optimistic some days. There’s so much I want to do but can’t because of the financial constraints. 

I’m terrified that the long Covid will never loosen its grip and eventually the bottom will fall out. 

For now, I’ve updated my resume and LinkedIn profile and examining my options. I’m doing the steps that I know I can take as the path unfolds before me. 

Long Covid has changed my life in ways I didn’t expect. 

The crippling fatigue has been the worst of it. There are stretches of days I spend in bed, too tired to do much of anything. 

Thankfully, the brain fog isn’t as bad as it’s been in the past. 

Some days I feel like a failure because I just can’t function like I did before. 

I lost my job and my energy has been too inconsistent to honestly look for work. 

I’ve missed out on so much of what I’ve wanted to do: working in my flower beds, going to my happy place, even doing chores around the house. 

It’s really been hard on me, but I manage to keep my head above water. 

Writing hasn’t always been this hard for me. 

Back when we had the store, I wrote like no one is reading. 

It gave me a sense of freedom; that I could write without fear of what anyone would think. 

Then an anonymous commenter challenged what I was writing as though it wasn’t worth my effort. 

Soon after, we closed the store and I lost my safe space. 

I felt like I lost my voice. 

I’ve been wandering aimlessly since. 

I know that my path is writing and so I’m posting, short and steady to start. 

I’ve known for a while I should have started this already. ​

I’ve found every and any excuse possible to keep me from gaining any forward momentum. Hell, I’m dragging my feet as I write right now. ​

I tell myself I need to ​figure out exactly how to do it right; how to present myself in a way that is palatable to the widest audience while maintaining some sense of authenticity. 

So I start and stop. I start the flow of words and then stop when I worry too much whether what I say matters. If anyone cares. And I end up right back where I started. 

All I’m doing is avoiding myself; my calling; my purpose and my passion. 

I end up in dead end jobs. I shrink from the world. I retreat into depression because I’m not doing what I want. 

I guess maybe I’m afraid I’ll discover just how good I could be and how much time I’ve lost running from myself. 

I don’t have the energy to keep running any longer. It’s time to fully embrace who I am. 

I don’t know what this blog is yet, and that’s the problem.

I am stuck in analysis paralysis – which is just a mechanism to keep me from writing.

Really, it’s just an excuse to keep me stuck so I don’t have to face my fears and follow my path.

I know what I want to write, but I’ve been afraid that I will alienate people I know who want to read my writing.

I want this blog to be raw and unfiltered; an unadulterated look into my life in all aspects – long covid, kink, depression, the store, daily life.

I want to reach a wide audience because I feel like I have something important to share and interesting to read. But I’m afraid I’ll be too too for some of you.

I’m a bit extreme in some of my tastes and I don’t want people to think less of me.

However, if I don’t get started at some point, I’ll just drive myself mad. So, here goes nothing.